Covenant

This weekend, our small group spent three days with several other couples at a marriage retreat in Grand Haven, Michigan. Our retreat was hosted at the Khardoma Lodge. This bed and breakfast, located some three hundred yards from Lake Michigan, was built in 1873--just ten years after the conclusion of America's Civil War.

On the whole, I've found much of the literature related to marriage analogous to cotton candy. For the first three bites, cotton candy is great. After those few bites, you begin to ask yourself, "What am I eating here . . . air?" So much of the literature, Christian and non-Christian notwithstanding, focuses on the selfish desires and destructive patterns already embedded within our souls. For instance, as important as "his needs, her needs" approaches might be--it is easily twisted into an I'd-better-get-what-I-want attitude that resembles the heart of a child and not that of a saint.

Instead of starting with this question, "How can I grow deeper in my own spirituality (i.e. contentment, selflessness, simplicity, honesty)?"—we turn relationships into yet another narcissistic pursuit, consumed with the way my spouse should contribute to my shallow happiness.

This weekend, we traded the cotton candy for steak and potatoes. There are a thousand moments lodged into my head as I write.

Two couples, who came on this retreat as their "last attempt" to reconcile their marriage, worked through years of pain and hurt, coming to a place of understanding and hope.

My high school football coach was there with his wife. We caught up on old friends and recalled highlight experiences. When I hear his voice, some twelve years later, my body wants to fall to the ground and do twenty push-ups. For the record, I did not indulge this premonition.

Kara and I had a host of meaningful conversations and funny moments: all of which I'll keep between the two of us.


I'm chewing on what our spiritual leader fed us with concerning the purpose of marriage as understood from the Genesis narrative. "God created marriage for three specific purposes. First, to remind us that we were created as reflectors of the divine image. Second, marriage functions to heal the wounds of our childhood. Abandonment, isolation, terror, hunger, pain, pressure, and identity-confusion once consumed our development. Man and woman coming together addresses the destructive patterns we instilled to numb the pain of our hearts. Lastly, marriage is a taste of God's new heaven and earth; the day when all will eat at 'the supper of the Lamb.'"

The weekend ended appropriate enough.

At 12:15 p.m. I handed a piece of bread to Kara saying words I've spoken so many times, "The body of Christ, broken for you." Then, after a few seconds, I handed her the drink, "The blood of Christ shed for you." She did likewise and we prayed for God's spirit to continue guiding our steps.

If that statistics are accurate, one out of every two marriage will end in divorce. Families ripped apart. Hearts broken. Dreams dashed.

How much more counter-cultural can one be than spending time focusing on the covenant that binds two people for life?

A friend of mine is remembered for saying, "If you want to change the world, love your wife.”I used to think this to be a, well . . . exaggerated sentiment. I'm beginning to think that my friend might be on to something important; something holy.