1979, 1997, 2008

The year was 1997. I was eighteen years old. Because my brother, Jason, was my twin, he was subsequently the same age. Those two go together in this discussion.

The month was August. It was, if I recall accurately, a hot muggy Michigan Summer day. The kind you long for on a cold March Thursday as the writer looks out his window and still sees several inches of snow on the ground.

Back to August, 1997. A large R.V. is parked in the driveway. It’s full of Jason’s belongings: trophies from tennis, John Stockton memorabilia, posters, shoes, belts, tennis gear, nice clothes (Jason’s always had a taste for good clothing), photos, and tennis rackets.

The R.V. under examination is bound for Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Specifically: Oklahoma Christian University in Edmond. Jason has accepted a scholarship to play tennis for the N.A.I.A powerhouse.

Josh, (the other side of the “twin coin”) cannot bring himself to getting on the R.V. He knows why he can’t but he’s too proud and scared to articulate this to anyone in his family. Mom and Dad load the R.V. with their normal zeal and passion. Then, they look at Josh and say, “We’re about to leave Josh. Come say good-bye to your brother.” Those words pierced a portion of Josh’s heart that had been off limits to even Josh himself.

With those words, eighteen years of callousness, sibling rivalry, and good ol’ fashion competition came crashing down like an unexpected avalanche in Aspen. I could not speak. I could barely breathe. I could not move. My body and spirit were paralyzed.

This was Jason we’re talking about. This is the biological play-mate provided by God himself. This was my great ally and my great foe for eighteen years. This was the brother who spent hours in the driveway playing one-on-one basketball until one of us came inside the house with a bloody nose or a black eye. This was the brother who rushed the court as the clock went to zero when I won a state tournament basketball game against our bitter rival, Chippewa Valley High School. This was the guy I’d shared a tiny room with for seventeen of those eighteen years.

This was the man who once chased me around the house with a weapon of mass destruction (which shall not be revealed) leaving me convinced that he was much crazier than I. This was the young boy whom I fought for when kids in our neighborhood started calling him “four-eyes” (one of the more clever childhood sound-bytes in my opinion). And these are the merely the memories I’m allowed to say in public.

For the first eighteen years of my life, I was a poor friend to Jason. I teased him. Pushed him. Mocked. Provoked. Chided. I cannot recall ever showing any emotion towards him that could have been construed “love.” I’m sure that’s not true, but I honestly can’t remember.

That all changed in August of 1997.

As the R.V. pulled out of the driveway to make the long trek from Detroit to Oklahoma City (may as well have been Spain)—I realized that one of God’s greatest gifts was slipping through my fingers.

And I did something I had not done up until that point in my young life. I sat down in the living room of the house which sat at the corner of Michelle Ann St. and Elena Marie St. No one was home save me. Just me and a thousand memories; a million regrets. This is why many Jewish thinkers remind us that "memory is God's great gift and curse to mankind."

I sat on the floor and wept. Hard. Loud. For a long time.

I did not “cry”, shed a tear, or “tear-up” (as Kara likes to say)—those terms domesticate what I did. I wept bitterly. I wept for what felt like two or three hours. I still can’t possibly put into words the suffocating feeling that consumed me that August afternoon in 1997.

But I do know this. Since that day, our relationship changed permanently. Now, we would express our love daily. Now we would encourage each other. Now we would root for each other. Now, we would think of the other one first instead of our own individual need. Now, things were different. Now, we had space. And space, if nothing else, creates perspective. And perspective allows the possibility for change.

I’ve sought the forgiveness of my brother for the way in which I treated him. Now, I consider him my close friend, mentor, cheerleader, coach, and confidant. Moreover, I learned to change in all of my other relationships because of my relationship with Jason.

God does his best work through the people he places in our lives.

It’s no longer 1997. Thank God that in 1979, twenty-nine years ago today, (March 13th to be precise), Katherine and Phil Graves found out that she’d had, not one child, as the doctor had promised, but two. Two boys who’d put her through all kinds of drama, joy, stress, hope and chaos. Two boys, however, who, no matter what, decided that it was in the cards for them to do life together, come hell or high water.