A new friend of mine, Mitch Albaugh, whom I met at the ZOE Conference in Orlando, wrote the following to me in response to yesterday's blog. I figured this is the kind of insight that must be shared.

It is insightful, prophetic, and true.

Hi Josh.

You’ve probably figured out that I read your blogs. Mainly because I want to know what makes you what you are. You didn’t say much about your friends whose son died.

Twenty-three years ago my first son (coincidentally, named Josh) died in Children’s Hospital in Boston following open heart surgery. He was 6 days old. Three days later, we buried him in our small family plot in Clearwater. Even after 23 years, I can’t IMAGINE hurting that much a second time. In fact, as my 3 living sons (ages 22, 16 and 10) have grown up, I have often drawn peace and security from the belief that God would NEVER allow me to go through that again because it would destroy me.

As I read your blog, I wondered if your friends felt like that, too. My heart and prayers really go out to them.

You probably don’t need to hear this advice, but ...


1. Don’t let appearances fool you; your friends may look like they’re doing ok. They’re not. They will need CONSTANT love and support. You CANNOT overdo, in this respect.


2. Don’t be afraid of making them sad or making them cry. Trust me, there is nothing you can do to make them any sadder than they already are. And crying is GOOD; it’s helpful and healing. This is especially true for the dad if he’s anti-tears. They HAVE to cry ... be there to cry with them. (When Josh died, I had to return to work the day after his funeral. I was a mess. I made a rule for myself that if I felt like crying, I was going to cry, no matter what situation I was in. There were a couple of times when it caught the people around me a little off guard, but they were fine – and sympathetic -- once I explained.)

(On the one-year anniversary of Josh’s death, we were informed by telephone that we were being disfellowshipped by a church in Tampa that we had recently left because of its adoption of the Boston/Kip McKean ideology ... the minister there (the fraternity brother who led me to Christ) was Kip McKean’s brother-in-law. The person who called was a longtime “friend” ... when I mentioned what day it was, he said he remembered, but hadn’t said anything because he didn’t want to remind me. That brother and I are once again close friends, but on that day he was a complete idiot. How could he possibly think he’d remember something that I’d forgot? My point: It is not wrong to bring it up. Your friends will NEVER tire of talking about their sons .... EVER! They’ll appreciate you for wanting to.)


3. Remember that 80% of couples that lose a child end up divorced. I don’t have a statistic for losing 2 children. The reason for this (I think) is because the grief cycles don’t coincide; one is up when the other is down ... and they begin to see each other from a different perspective (“Why doesn’t he/she care?” “How can he/she be so happy?”). Your friends may need someone there to remind them that they will grieve/mourn/heal differently.