Tales of Immersion

I've been collecting funny baptism stories over the past few months...

One of the funniest ones comes from my father-in-law Patrick Mead (www.patrickmead.blogspot.com). This is classic.

I was preaching for a military church in Norfolk, VA back in my far, far right days. I was marking time enforcing the traditions of the church until Kami and I could move back to Scotland.

Two young sailors came up to me with another sailor between them. They introduced Antonio, an Italian boy who'd joined the Navy so he could become a citizen much faster. They had been kind to him when everyone else ragged him, messed with his bunk and gear, etc. That made him want to know why. When they told him about Jesus, he was ready! Antonio bear hugged me and announced "I'm gonna be baptized!" I told him we'd certainly talk about that but he had already moved on, hugging other people as he went inside.

I stood up to preach and Antonio came and stood in front of the pulpit. I hadn't said a word yet and was in a dilemma. Do I preach or not? Being a conservative traditionalist, I had to go for it. I shorted the sermon somewhat since Antonio was standing three feet away, staring at me like a puppy who's picked the boy who's going to take him home.

When I offered the invitation, I didn't ask for anyone to come forward because he was already there. I sat him down on the front row (a requirement for the baptism to be valid later) I asked him if he knew what he was doing. "Yes! I'ma gonna be baptized!" I was going to say my standard bit at this time that would go something like "In a few minutes, I will take you through that door right there. Before that, I will ask you to stand up with me and state that you believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God."

I didn't get that far.

Once he heard that we were to go through that door, he went. I grabbed onto him and tried to drag him to a stop while asking him if he believed..... I wasn't entirely successful so we assumed that dragging a hefty preacher (I weighed 210 back then) against his will was sufficient evidence of faith.

Upstairs, Antonio headed toward the baptistry when I told him he had to change into other clothes first. He said, "Why?" I was momentarily stumped so said something like, "These are the clothes of unrighteousness. You need to put on the clothes of purity..." So he took off into the little room.

About the time I got my clothes on, Antonio was headed for the baptistry again. I stopped him and said, "I need to go in first." He said, "Why?" In reality it was a safety maneuver. I needed to make sure the stairs weren't slick and the water was warm enough (it was frequently slick with mold and freezing at the same time). Knowing he wouldn't understand I said something like, "I go first to drive the demons from the water!" That was cool with him,

In the tank I turned to him and found him in the pike position ready to dive in headfirst. I waved him off and physically held him, keeping him from plunging under, the whole time I pulled him down the stairs. While I tried to say my bit (I had a bit to say. I'm a preacher. That's what we do) he lifted his legs so that he could slide out of my arms and under the water. I restrained him. Frustrated with me keeping him from meeting Jesus in the water he put a leg up against the side of the tank and shoved. We both went under. I barely got out "in the Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit!" before I was submerged.

We went under with such force that water rolled over the glass partition and fell in a cascade onto the Lords table scattering the communion ware. My first thought was Antonio had only been a Christian two seconds and he was already lost for watering down the communion.

And, sadly, that isn't even the strangest baptism story I have...

More immersion tales to follow.